An Experience with An Overzealous Christian

About yesterday, my parents were going for evening service. They begged me to tag along, but I refused, because I already wanted to go and see man. I was just waiting for them to leave the house, so I can lock the door and go.

Trust mothers! When they want to kill your groove ehn, they do it so well. My mother started;
''Ehn Ayo, since you are not going to church, oya! cook for those of us that are going na. Prepare Egusi and Wheat for me and your daddy, then warm that remaining stew, boil small rice, and fry small plantain for your younger sister.

Hian! Is like this woman thinks she's in canteen. Am I Iya Basira? Which kain wahala be this? How do I see man now? Well, I was determined to see man, so I decided to visit man briefly and head back in time to make dinner.

I got to man house, and overstayed. When I remembered myself, I couldn't believe it. I pictured my mother's dramatic display, and started crying. Man pitied me and offered to .drive me home.
We got downstairs,only to discover that the family that lives down,had parked their vehicle, directly behind his in the compound. So we rushed to their house to beg them to come re park,to enable us move out. On getting there, their door was locked. But we could hear voices. They were praying loudly and speaking in tongues.

We started knocking. We knocked and knocked and knocked for a couple of minutes, no response.They just continued with their prayers. We continued knocking until we got tired. My friend left me and went to sit inside his vehicle.

Alright, I decided to cut them some slack. Probably, some prayers have the capacity to deafen people. So I found a big stick and intensified my knocking. At least, if they have hearing issues, this one is loud enough. I banged and banged and banged, till the door opened and an angry looking maid came out.

'Please tell your people to come and move their vehicles out of the way, we have an emergency, and we need to drive out immediately.'' I hurriedly begged.

." Excuse me! My madam said I should tell you to stop banging on her door with that stick. They are praying! Wait! E remain small! They go soon finish." The maid shouted, went back inside, and jammed the door.

I was amazed. My friend laughed and laughed. When he saw I was not finding it funny, he started begging me to catch a cab home, because time is going.

At that point I was already super pissed. Who home epp? So this ones heard us knocking and deliberately ignored us? What if someone was dying and needed urgent medical attention? They will let the person die because they were praying abi? Issorite!

Well, two can play this game. Since they have succeeded in pissing me off,I would make sure I am not the only angry person in da building. Lemme see how they want to enjoy their prayers.

Omo to ni Iyare o ni sun, oun no koni foju kan orun.

So, I picked up my stick again. This time, I banged their door, like I needed the building to collapse upon them and their dry prayers. The more they prayed, the more I banged. At some point, they abandoned their prayers and opened their door. The husband and wife came out, looking battle ready. I smiled. My friend came down from his vehicle too. Issa Two by Two sontin.

Seeing I had company, the man collected his keys and went to move his car, while his wife stayed back to vibrate ontop her utter stupidity.Trust women!

She threatened to call the police on me. According to her, I was the most shameless person she had ever met., who lacked respect and regard for the almighty God that created me, and was capable of striking me down in a twinkle of an eye. She didn't stop there. She also told me how she feels for my future husband and unborn generation. Apparently, I have incurred God's wrath, and God will be visiting my iniquity, not just upon me, but upon them too. It is called 'jara' or 'f'isi' in Yoruba, and ' Mmezi' in Igbo.

For her mind she sabi vibrate. Temper that is not hot enough to cook almighty jollof, is that wan temper? O je bi! I looked at her quietly;

" Madam, if you try this madness again, I will make sure I bang your door till it drops. You have my word.
Now, go. and. call. your. police! " I emphasized.

As I walked away, I could hear her hurling insults at her generation. I have never been more alarmed.

Nigerian Christianity is apparently different from that of the whole world.

Apparently, the Nigerian God, has a huge disregard for character, good works, and common sense.

No matter how retarded you are, prayer is the key.

Just keep praying round the clock, irrespective of whose ox is gored, and you would be flying first class to heaven on the last day...

Dear Overdo Nigerian Christians,

"You are in error because you do not know the scriptures..."
Matthew 22:29

Written by Penocrat Ayomide Ugonna.